Ways to Support those Grieving during the Holidays

The way we grieve is personal.

An accepted fact about grief is that everyone grieves differently.

What seems the hardest to understand is how people grieving is denormalized in society, and how we are sometimes ousted from some relationships when we unveil our grief.

I write today from a place of strength. As I say in the TikTok video I share at the end of the post, I am “in a good place.” I do all of the things: medicate, Yoga, garden, and therapy. There are those in my life just beginning to show their grief.

I write this post not as a way for others to say, “I’m sorry for your loss” to me, but to understand what others might experience during the holidays. I need for others to understand that not everyone feels like a hot cup of cocoa with the big marshmallows during the holidays.

During the hardest stages of my personal grief journey after I lost my daughter, Corrie, suddenly in May 2020 to an abdominal tumor; I learned a few I thought would be around for the long term quickly left the stage. Some whispered witless words behind my back at the time my husband was diagnosed with stage 3 colon cancer. I will write it again because while I forgive, I do not forget.

It is also important to let others who grieve know that there is a second loss of people in your life, who for whatever reason, cannot or will not stay.

I will share five points for those who do not understand grief, for those who want to support those grieving, and those who are grieving.

For those Who Do Not Understand Grief

I am a point now where I will write with a dark sense of humor at time, and sometimes I will write from a place of absolute strength because I know the person who judges me has not and could not walk in my shoes. It is important to emphasize that I do not want anyone to experience what I have in the way of child loss, a spouse’s battle with cancer, and miscarriage. These are five thoughts for those who are uncomfortable with grief or do not understand it:

• Understand and celebrate your blessings by enjoying every part of your life because it means you do not know this heartbreak. Truly celebrate life in every way you can.

If you are uncomfortable and absolutely do not want to be around someone grieving: avoid talking about them behind their backs. That is the smallest bit of kindness you can give.

• When you consider the second point above, ask yourself: I may not like this person right now, but how would I feel in their shoes?
• Once you accept, “Okay, I may distance myself from this person right now because I can’t do grief,” or whatever your reason, understand with all the heart you have that this person who is/ was a part of your life will never be the same person. It maybe years before they grow into a new person.
• If you feel you do not understand grief or the person grieving, keep your mouth closed to or about the person. (I felt this was worth two points.)

For the sake of my personal survival during the trauma I faced from 2020 to 2023, I quickly cut people out of my life if I felt or knew of these actions. If I felt they did not want me around, I dipped out, and did not seek their attention. I had other priorities.

These are points for those who want to help:

• Encourage the person grieving simply by sitting with them on certain anniversaries, such as their loved one’s birthday or angel anniversary.
• Discourage people in the category above from talking behind the back of the person who grieves.
• Find out what they are doing for their mental health, and encourage them whether you do it with them, or ask questions about it. For me, this is gardening.
• What is their favorite food? Encourage them to eat after the first stages of mourning when the casseroles are gone. A wonderful friend did this for me, and never left my side during my darkest hours.
• If the person grieving feels up to it, ask them about their loved one. If they do not, understand this, too. I have had to learn this one in respecting my husband’s boundaries in grief.

For Those who Grieve

• You do not have to do anything you feel unready for. It you want to stay in bed in cry, then do it.
• Please know you are not alone when it comes to grief, although you feel the depths of emptiness and what it means to be alone. For example, in child loss, Compassionate Friends and Sudden Unexpected Death in Childhood (SUDC) have been wonderful organizations for me.
• Talk about your loved one or don’t. Do not go to their grave, or go to their grave. Take pictures or avoid taking them. The decision is yours alone and not for anyone to judge. If they do judge, know it is that person’s issue within their soul.
• Show grace and forgiveness within yourself long after your loss because there will be times again when you let others down, and you cannot be judge and jury on yourself when you are trying to endure after trauma.
• You have purpose and deserve grace. You may not know what that purpose is, but through your grief; the recognition of the greatest love, you will discover your power, purpose, and grace.

This is more of a fact: Movies and books are more comfortable with exploring grief than people may ever be face-to-face.

Understanding about life changes when you endure grief, and understand it is not drippy dark and damp caves. Sometimes it reveals to us a tarnished strength that will come from our own sorrow. It will show us something we never saw before in ourselves.