I lack the time to write, or create well polished posts for “Season of Corrie” these days.
I spend less time than I used to on Facebook.
I will not go on Twitter or X anymore.
Different reasons exist for each. Time is one, and figuring out the platform on which I will best share messages of hope through gardening, grief, and writing is another. While good advice says to share on multiple platforms, I have never sought to have X amount of likes, nor become an influencer. Perhaps I reach one or two people at a time.
On Facebook, as a bereaved parent, some people have chosen to view my profile “less” or “not at all” because I have faced real world nightmares. My grief over Corrie’s sudden death on May 27, 2020 was too raw, real, and unacceptable to a few. No one wants to witness that true, unbelievable grief one, two, three or four years out.
I cut out those individuals once I know who has spoken behind my back because they did or do not have the guts to say something to my face when God–no matter how angry I still am with him–granted me the courage to live after witnessing and suffering through my child’s loss.”
One said behind my back, “She only speaks about her daughter” at a time my husband battled stage 3 colon cancer.
Before we lost Corrie, my Mom gave me a stack of paperwork from a children’s pediatric hospital, where specialists examined me as a four and five-year-old child. While hesitant to give a diagnosis of autism to a female child in the South and 1990s, it was clear that I was neurodivergent.
It takes a lot of energy to mask as neurodivergent, especially around other adults in my profession. If I feel that I make someone uncomfortable, more so in the past, I will build up a wall.
The people to whom I am able to show some portion of my true self I will show loyalty, love, and dedication. I say all that to assure you, if you are reading, you will find true balance once you accept yourself.
Often, I hear a quote on TikTok, where I share most of my garden content now:
“You’ll never be everyone’s cup of tea because you’re ‘champagne’ darling.”
1. Accept who You are and where You are
I love the quote I share above because in the four-and-a-half-years, since Corrie graduated to heaven, I witnessed people vanish, or word reached me from those loyal to me about what they had said. In order to find true balance, you must accept yourself for who and where you are.
I know I am neurodivergent, a mother who will walk holding hands with grief the rest of my life, an author and writer, a mom of a strong teen son with autism, gardener, and wife of a great man who survived colon cancer. When I absorbed what “opps” or “haters” said, I remembered I am not a victim, but a victor. I have walked paths they will, nor ever should experience.
I am proud of who I am, to be outspoken, and to say my daughter’s name
Corrie
no matter how it may cause someone to view me. I have been taking off the clothes of caring for other people’s judgment and thought for some time.
2. Exercise and Nutrition
Notice I wrote nutrition in the title over diet. Know your body, and what gives you energy vs. what takes it away. Sometimes I forget to eat fruit throughout the day. ijI will eat pizza on a Friday night, and carne asada from my favorite Mexican restaurant. Those are treats rather than everyday parts of diet.
Exercise plays an important role in my life. I get a lot of exercise from working in the gardens. I will get up and down on the tractor, lift mulch, or dirt. I get in my steps. Sweat perspires down my forehead. But I can’t do it everyday because of energy. My career is an active one because I’m a on my feet kind of educator, and I also need mental energy for my doctoral assignments.
This is hard to accept because on Monday I was exhausted from three back-to-back garden days: Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. I wanted to work in the garden this past week, but I had to balance it with taking my son to his trainer and swimming. During those times, I exercise at the gym. I am also rededicating time to Yoga. Every part of my body feels alive and awake … and sore.
3. What You Value Most
We only have so much time on this planet. No matter what you believe, we are in a limited time option. What do you wish to accomplish with it?
This is a major change for me because in the devastation of mourning and the darkest period of my grief in the loss of Corrie, I saw too many years in front of me before I would see Corrie. I would say after 2 1/2 years, I started living again. The gardens began to heal the bitterness and angry storms within. While they are still there, they are no longer as extreme.
For me, I want to earn my educational doctorate in STEM. I hope to advance in some way to spread STEAM throughout public schools. I want to make these gardens something more with our hands. I want to embrace every moment with the child I do have on Earth, and watch him grow into the strong, young man he is becoming. I want to continue to observe my beloved husband, John, grow stronger.
Corrie's Season 