How do we celebrate holidays or birthdays when our angel is gone?
december
That is a question I’d asked many times before December 10.
December brings about many dates happy and sad for my family.
On the same day as the attack on Pearl Harbor, December 7, was my mother-in-law’s birthday.
Tragically, December also marks the anniversary of her death.
As I watched my husband last year on the tenth anniversary of her death, the grief was not any less present than the day she’d died. He’d adored the ground his mother walked on, as the cliche goes.
I decorate her grave marker along with Corrie’s because she is family. Most importantly, I know what she means to John.
birthday
I spoke with an individual on the phone yesterday, who’d lost his son years ago. He said how it was important that we never stop celebrating our children’s birthdays. While it may be hard for some people to understand why we decorate the graves and celebrate as if our children are here, we have the best reason in the world.
The impact our children bring to our lives and the lives of others is tremendous.
Corrie was born on December 10, 2014.
For the same reason I decorate Corrie’s grave every week and the children’s graves I adopted on my Kinder Memorial Walk, we honor our children with the things or events they loved in life. I’ve had incredible support from our family and community, and I know how hard it is to see pictures of graves, especially children’s.
But, I need to decorate them, and to take pictures because it is the only way I can physically show my daughter how much I love her on this Earth.
Corrie wouldn’t want us to leave her grave undecorated. She’d be out there with me adding ribbons and, probably, arguing with me about why we can’t leave feather boas on the gravesites.
mom
December is, quite literally, our month to remember whether we want to or not. I wish some days I could fast forward through this month. I can do without Christmas trees, decorations, or the entire day altogether. I do it anyways for our son and because Corrie would want me to.
December 8 was my mom’s birthday, and the first birthday she celebrated without her granddaughter. For her birthday, I gave my mother a portrait another artist had done of Corrie, since we’ve been blessed to have a couple done.
My mother has had a tough year with the loss of Corrie, and also because of the fractures she suffered in her shoulder. She’s doing better, but she still needs rest and the exercises to strengthen her.
I can think of nothing more vital to the relationship between my mother and I than that the loss of Corrie has dulled my sarcasm to her. It has made me want to hold on to her more than ever before. The loss cuts so deep, and I cannot imagine a day where I don’t hear from my mother.
ANNIVERSARY
December is also the month when John gave me a pair of black gloves on a December 5 near a Christmas tree, and on December 17, 2011, we got married. He also bought a sparkle pink make up box for when I was pregnant with Hayes, and Corrie would love to take out my make up to see what she wanted to wear, even when I said, “No.”
Our relationship was not popular with some at the time, but love does not discriminate or act falsely in its choice of a partner. In my heart, I knew John was it. I could not be without him.
Together, we’ve faced unemployment, eviction, an autism diagnosis, death of a parent, a tornado, and the death of a child … his baby girl. Through everything, John has been my rock. He has been my light when all others go out.
WHAT I WISH IS NOT IMPORTANT
With our current circumstances, I wish I could fast forward through December. I wish I could pretend December never existed.
But what I wish is not important. John and I still have a son to raise through what we recognize could be some of the toughest years of his life.
I teach middle school. I love this age group because they are constantly changing and they need love as much as the preschool child. A middle schooler needs this love, even when they act like they hate you, because they need to feel your love. I know how hard the emotions over Corrie’s death and his grandfather’s death could affect him in those years.
So, we will celebrate those moments in December.
how?
The how is the part where others have given me good advice. The florist who did the flowers for Corrie’s funeral did a special Christmas tree for her birthday and holiday that we will take to the cemetery. John and I plan to clean around the graves because the storm that came through last week blew dirt and debris on his father’s grave making it difficult to see his name.
Of course, I am going to decorate with roses, flowers, and I will add balloons to her site. We plan to make it look beautiful as possible for her birthday and for always. Corrie brought beauty to the world through her love and hopes for herself and others.
Happy birthday to my baby girl in heaven!
Mommy
Corrie's Season 