Ain’t No One’s Humpty Dumpty

If you read a children’s nursery rhyme, something dark crawls beneath its surface.

Take Humpty Dumpty for example. He “sat on a wall.” Okay, it seems simple.

“Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.”

Okay, he fell. So did Jack and Jill.

“All the King’s horsemen and the King’s men couldn’t put Humpty together again.”

It seems simple, right?

There was nothing anyone could do to put Humpty Dumpty together again after he fell apart.

It exposes the unfairness in life.

Life is unfair because, for whatever purpose you believe we’re here, it will test us. It will push us. It will sometimes make us angry and even turn us into people we’re not. It is up to us most of the time to find the grace in the fall.

I do not submit to pressures easily because of the tests I’ve already been through.

The memoir I’m writing Corrie’s Season is about those tests. At the end of each day, Corrie and her brother, Hayes, were always there to make me smile. They were, and are, my beating heart and drive through everything.

After a tornado hit our barn in February, it destroyed our barn completely.

I had one professor who did not believe in my commitment to my college of education program so much that she questioned why I would not be present on a mandatory meeting to learn how I would be evaluated. On this same day, more than seven educators had all put in their schedules to meet in regards to my son Hayes, and if he should be moved to a different school and Kindergarten due to his struggles.

I blew my lid. I’ve always been a respectful person, and my email did not reflect me. It was the first time I realized I had an anger issue I needed to deal with.

But, my son should’ve been first that day. Not the professor or her wishes. I do not care what the evaluation news I needed to know was. I would get it, and listen to it later.

At the last minute, the professor was concerned about one of the videos that did not load to my evaluation. She threatened me with an oral presentation for an evaluation one week before I was set to walk.

You hear the words: “All the king’s horses and all the king’s men couldn’t put …”

I was not about to lay there as an open shell. My wonderful husband had lost his job before I started my master’s degree; not because he can’t work. The company went under. My husband retired, so he could help me with our son’s needs while continuing to do his wonderful “handy man” projects. To be there for Hayes was, and is, still a two parent job and involves a two parent decision.

But I saw my ability to support my family going up in flames because of one professor and her belief that I was not good enough for my university’s program. I was not about to forever be defined by: Your parents are great people, and it’s wonderful they let you live with them.

This left me with a scar and a bit of a thorn. I accepted a job in late May that I didn’t really want because I was left with the idea that: “You’re not good enough. You’re not committed enough.” This ended up putting forty-five minutes between my children and me.

When I tell my students I understand unfair, they may not believe me at first. I know what it’s like to be truly angry with someone who doesn’t get your situation. I know what it’s like to want to pull away from the world because you believe people don’t get you. I know what it’s like to be a Humpty Dumpty only I was going to put myself back together.

The story during my graduate program is just one of my survival tales during Corrie’s life. I wanted to give my daughter and her brother the best possible life. I wanted them to see their mother as successful.

Scrap metal, wood, and other “tokens” spread throughout our yard during the tornado.

When my children, saw the storm damage from the tornado in February 2020 they did not cry. They just inspected to see that their rooms and toys were okay. They wanted to come home immediately.

We organized the scrap metal in piles in March and April.

My life experiences before, but especially during our time with Corrie, gave me a greater appreciation for what we do have even though something has been lost. I knew after dealing with that professor, a baby girl couldn’t wait for her mommy to hold her.

If anyone ever asks me why I married a man 32 years older than me, I have many reasons. One is when a crisis happens, he’s going to step up to meet it instead of play a video game.

In person, I tend to be on guard around adults. I feel out the climate. I listen sometimes more than I talk. At other times, I’m more talkative. I reveal the parts of me I want to show, and then pull back the rest. Writing now has revealed more about me than ever before, but Corrie wanted me to be out in the world. She wouldn’t want me to stop doing the things she loved like telling her stories.